Writing is a tool of chaos and clarity, a love that breaks and mends my heart.  
On Medium, I write about deconstructing indoctrination, navigating family estrangement, love, and finding myself through writing with never-ending curiosity.

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Now depending on your mindset you read that title one of two ways.  Most likely, I'm boasting about my own or some other entity's financial or sales hitting new levels of profit.  The thought would amazing, however, that is not what my title is inciting.  I'm talking about a methodology of historically seeing, feeling, your own personal change.  Recently, I've had cause to dig out my "old" journals and personal notes and what I found stunned me.

I began a writing practice in earnest in late 2019.  The impetus for this daily ritual likely lies in the crinkled and folded photocopy excerpt from a former therapist's office, entitled: Therapeutic Journaling.  While I don't know the text this came from to accurately cite, I want to share just three of the bullet list that I highlighted:
1. As you write, shift your focus from external events to the thoughts and feelings you experience in relation to those events. (In other words, it's NOT Dear Diary 2.0)
2. Write in long-hand vs. word-processing (boy how old must this be?!!)According to the author this facilitates greater awareness of unconscious feelings and drives.  And while I'm too lazy to check for sure, I'm pretty certain this is based on scientific research as I remember a similar theory in Ryder Carroll's The Bullet Journal Method.
3. Write in complete sentences; research indicates that this is helpful in generating deeper insight.

Five years doesn't seem that long in the span of a life but, there is no denying the ink-paper-life-changing records I hold.  I have grown in ways my brain still has trouble articulating.  When I read through my experiences, sometimes it's plain to see the external events that were occurring and at other points it's just as easy to see how my internal state took an active role in producing my external circumstances.  The pain held in my messy scripts can still take my breath away and yet remains the lifeblood that motivates me to keep putting it down on the page.  Recording my growth has skyrocketed my self-curiosity, driven my awareness and the yields have proven the most important of my life.   

Record your growth.  Profit big.  I think it no coincidence that the first published words I put out into the world were in journal format.  Maybe they could be of use to you, available on Amazon and full descriptions here 

To conclude, I'll share just a snippet of the treasure of self I found in my personal history:
I know who I am and it is NOT validated by, controlled by, in contrast to, because of, by role, or worthy in comparison to, - anyone else on this planet.

I'm not sure I will even post this as it feels small and unimportant in the grand scheme of all that is ever "unprecedented" happenings.  A small voice, but nonetheless a voice.  And that is really the heart of it for me.  
My first exposure to the human resources as a profession was filled with enthusiasm, smiles, earnest offers of help and training.  That happiness and it's ever-present, 'I'm here to help' is what drew me to pivot my schooling and career trajectory.  
God, I loved my first HR job and people of that Airport Marriott.  For a small town girl, having her first "big job" in the city, living on my own, I felt like I could move that mountain I grew up on.  That was in very large part due to the way my HR mentors Marcia and Sharon made me feel about the work we doing.  My daily tasks of timeclock corrections, tip allocation posting, employee record updates, filing (god so much damn filing!), may have been mundane but they taught me the vital impact of  our work in every small duty.  That missed timecard punch, left a refugee housekeeper without pay for a day.  A record update undone translated to an uncelebrated work anniversary highlighting 15 years of loyalty to a dedicated employee.  Even all that paper filing had it's purpose in helping me learn hundreds of employee names so I could do my part in greeting, by name, the faces of the front and back of the house alike.  
I have so many great memories of the people there, but the most impactful were the ones in which I was entrusted to advocate for the employee.  On the job of course, in matters of conflict between worker and supervisor and also over time in the world outside the hotel.  When a refugee, newer to the country needed a local resource and wasn't sure where to go, we were who they could to turn to.  When a long term employee was being taken advantage, we were someone in their corner.  Above all, the trust of the employee mattered most. 
It's why with that one small voice I have, I'm saying I've lost trust in the Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM).  From the beginning SHRM was the pinnacle of HR advocacy, education and community for me.  I studied so F'ing hard for my HR certification and earned the HR  credential nearly 15 years ago.  I maintained that credential even when SHRM made the controversial and ill-advised decision to issue their own certification and make it more profitable (for them) to migrate to it.  I have maintained membership in SHRM all these years as a way to stay connected to that knowledge and leadership base .  Through the course of my recertification webinars, I have seen a shift in the positioning of the organization. Acutely, the political lobbying for employER rather than employee focused policies has been horrifying to witness.  Now, just this month SHRM has announced they are eliminating the equity initiatives from DEI.  Well, I'm picking up that "E" by declaring myself and EX-member of SHRM and have made the conscious decision to not recertify my SHRM-CP credential.  
For me, I remain committed to extending earnest help, with enthusiasm, and through trustworthy words and behaviors.

Break through, breaking away, break-ups and just plain broke, these are universal terms and experiences.  The excruciating exactness of the emotions these words describe has been an understood element in everyone of our lives at some point.  For evidence, see the thousands of empathic fan interpretations of Taylor Swift's latest album.  

As a coach and moreover, a continuously curious human, I marvel at all the fractures and excavations that occur before the actual breaking points.  Maybe it's the wonderment of the why that draws me to see, to feel, the soft, non-explosive, cracking pieces.  Before they fell or snapped together, what puzzle did they complete within us?  

"Growth and pain feel the same", is a lyric from a song I just listened to this morning AND astonishingly it was not by Mother T.S. (Chandler Leighton, A Letter To Everyone Who's Hurt Me in case you are interested).  I can't think of a better way to articulate  the actual process of incremental human breakage than the confluence of these two words.  I've felt it in myself, the pain so all encompassing emotional becomes physical.  I see it in my beloved friends and coaching clients; the monumental growth paced as a slow burning, fierce fire. 

Growth and pain do indeed feel the same in the breaking. My encouragement to you and myself is to be a compassionate witness to the breaking. There's a real gut-level tangibility to seeing and feeling each element.  It's the building block of skyscraper tall self-trust.  Because once you've been broken, it no longer has the power. . . you do. 

How do you manage professional shame?  Specifically, the painful distress of continuing to interact with personnel (not project/task) related shame?  I'm talking you f'd up with another human in the workplace kind of humiliation.  As an HR professional, I've seen this most when anger floods the situation and we lash out to ease our own overflowing emotion. 

For me, professional shame is not an acute experience rather a chronic reflection of how I behaved, acted and attitudes I held in a past position.  I succumbed to the "protect your piece of the corporate pie" mindset fed to me and in turn funneled to my own teams.  I told half truths, power-grabbed, and served my own brand of 'justice' .  Full stop.  

While I'm tempted to add plenty of context, the reality is I am responsible and accountable to myself first and foremost.  I'm certain that's how articulating personal values became a cornerstone of my coaching practice.  Holding my past behaviors and mindsets against the core values of who I am; the hot shame flames flare.  

In the absence of some LinkedIn lead 12-step program to make amends with all my former reports to, how can I process?  As always, I don't have all the answers, but, I do have my own experience.  I can share that I have indeed reached out to professional contacts of my past and expressed my apologies for how I acted.  In every case, the recipient responds with some level of dismissal and refutes the experience with their own perspective.  While heartening on some level, it really only confirms we are all in our own bubbles and the intentions of others (me) are rarely glimpsed if the behavior is covert or normalized enough in the workplace.  This information and other work taught me that shame processing is an inside job.  I have learned through my past ashamed behavior and knowing my personal values, that when faced with similar circumstances; I can and will chose alignment with my values.  Even when there is more on the line (financially, reputation, relationships), I will not walk that shameful, anti-values path again - for anyone, but especially for my self.  
Taking accountability, making amends (even if its only between you and your past self), and changed behavior in alignment with values have been my release for professional shame.  If you'd like some help walking this rocky path, I've got the experience and coaching tools to assist.  Reach out.

You know that saying what's old will be new again?  I think I mostly associate that with fashion trends but as I look back in my writings I see how relatable it is to my political and societal injustice views. 

In the days following January 6, 2021, my journal entries include the following perspectives; When I look back on my legacy, will I have done all that I could to serve humanity?  This is a powerful tool in reducing my anger.  When I look through this service lens it's clear what my beliefs are and thus my behaviors must reflect.  This clarity requires actions devoid of righteous & lowly judgement of others for not following.  I will have to continue to work hard to banish my judgement and my why as weapons.  The mirror of anger is a powerful extinguisher of my own.  It is not an antidote to the justice that must be carried out nor is it a righteous morale ground that I look down from.  Rather, I believe it is an invitation to look deeply within.  Just as I don't have to hate me to change myself, I do not have to hate to generate change in the world.  

I write a lot about lens and mirrors - I guess that might be the trend I participate in.  What is to be seen and what is reflected.  Today, in the midst of global genocides I feel my anger and judgement in a more profound and permanent way then I ever conceived in those prior journal entries.  And now I desperately wish my why was a useful weapon.  

How do you know the difference between stepping up to face fear or stepping into a major pile of shit?  When  the anxiety churning your gut is the same in both scenarios, what discerns the right move?

Do you have an answer?  Yes - amazing fill us in on your strategies! No - welcome to the majority.  Even after 2 decades of professional people experience and 4+ decades of humanness, I'm only still dabbling in discerning the grey of my big scary stuff.  However, in the interest of chipping away at fear in general and judgement in specific, I'll share what bits I have learned.

While I won't share the details (no! you nebby thing you!), I've had two major life - umm, let's call them 'disruptions' shall we.  One in the professional sphere and the other personal both within the span of 2 years.  The risks of loss were and have been very high and hindsight brings a sense of absolute rightness to my then decisions.  But at the time I thought fear and grief might swallow me whole.  It literally clenched my stomach and gagged me physically.  My body has always been the first to communicate to me.  So, that's tip numero uno- listen to your body.  Try not to make it scream at you for attention.  And while we are on the the topic, take the time to sit in and articulate (even if it's just in your mind) what and where you feel fear, anxiety, joy and happiness in your body.  

In the professional scenario, I had prepared in advance and used my words as the source of justice that will otherwise never be served.  Writing out and delivering my message with fear still trembling my hands and voice was the only choice I felt I had.  That lack of choice for me, the clarity I had that no other decision would be authentic to me, that's what drove me through the big scary.  

As life would have it, the personal experience unfolded over years and all at once. It was a moment that while my heart was breaking, I felt a literal snap within me.  It wasn't me breaking but rather the last puzzle piece snapping into place.  The game was over, I wasn't going to play anymore and as soon as my words matching that left my mouth, the weight in my stomach lifted.  Again, a visceral experience as much as a mental one.  

So whether you do so premeditatively or retroactively listen to your body, take notes on it's communication and take the time to feel how and where the big scary stuff shows up physically.   Clarity and choice are a magnificent compass. 

When I'm feeling meh or otherwise uninspired, I like to randomly flip to a beloved book page (my favorite for this activity is Glennon Doyle's Untamed) and read the found words as if they are a personal inscription.  Just for that day.  Just for me.   Another tactic I use is to find the same date, but years' past in my own journal writing.  Today I'm sharing my inner ('bout to be internet out eek!) dialogue on problematic empathy.

I think I glimpse my empathetic dilemma.  I was shown that other people's pain is more important than my own.  Calming that pain and helping others with it was more noble, a higher calling than maintaining my own sense of contentment, peace, and self-love.  That in order to "help" or to truly FEEL was to feel others emotions deeper than my own. 
Other people's pain and sorrow is  not helped by sacrificing my own inner love, peace, joy, and contentment.  I can have empathy without prioritizing that pain over my own calm.  

Flash forward 3 years and lots of therapy later, I can see the hallmarks of codependency.  As I clarify for my coaching clients, I am not a therapist and free example based therapy is not really my point in posting this. 

Rather I think this message found me today to remind me that anything, even something as well-intentioned as empathy, can be destructive without balance and perspective.  A weapon formed when a tool was all that is needed.  

It's that season where goals have been set. Resolutions made and perhaps already broken too.  And if that's the case, go easy on yourself.  No motivation or goal was ever won fueled by self-hatred, no matter what the weight-loss capitalistic assholes say.  

For my part, I resolved a few years ago to not make any resolutions. How very responsible and forward-thinking huh? Not really, don't mistake my unwillingness to get on that hamster wheel as some kind of trendsetting.  My commitment is to continue to serve the habits that serve me. Though this commitment still calls for check-in's and reflections. 

Is X still serving me?  Has Y really made me stronger/better?  As the questions start to swirl what I notice is that the real examination is between the act of reflecting and comparison. 

Am I seeing with objectivity or perhaps known perceptions or am I comparing myself to a societal or someone else's expectations? Mind you, neither method is "wrong" per se, it's lacking distinction between the two that can tear you down.  

I can reflect on my past actions and behaviors but I can't compare my intentions to versions of me that no longer exists.  That past me, didn't have the experience, wisdom and self-love of this present me.  Hope you can say the same, over and over again if needed, till you believe it.